Last night as I switched off the lamp after reading to Mr X and Miss A in our suburban house I was deeply saddened. Echoing around our snugly little cocoon were the cries of many babies and toddlers crying themselves to sleep. As a talked gently with my children and we reflected on our days and they quietly turned and fell asleep I stayed and listened to the anguished cries slowly lessen and fade as more babies resigned themselves to being abandoned.
What made me sadder was the fact that dotted around in the houses I'm sure were pockets of parents with their instincts screaming to them to run and and cuddle their bubs yet the "experts" tell them this is the wrong thing to do. I remember when the "experts" told me when my son was 9mths old that I too 'needed' to do this - despite my assurances that I was more than happy with night-time parenting. I remembered fondly the quiet hours I spent settling my newborns; rocking, breastfeeding and co sleeping imagining the network of other new mothers who were also gently settling their babies in these twilight hours. I knew my friends were doing the same but I guess I was naive to imagine that the "cry it out" message had gone out of fashion simply because I moved into a new circle of friends.
The fact is more and more parents seem to be listening to the "cry it out" message despite many parenting experts warning against it's use. Parenting groups are again at odds as parents try and find their way through all the "recommendations and manuals" on how to have a perfect baby instead of listening to their instincts. Why is it that society now feels children need to be managed like an inconvenience? Something that needs to be scheduled and regimented for what benefit? Has society forgotten what parenting is about; caring for our offspring, our children who are too helpless to care for themselves.
Human Beings are physically and mentally geared to care instinctively for their children. Pinky McKay in her book, "Sleeping Like A Baby" discusses the physical changes that take place in a woman prior to birth to assist with bonding and the results in that deeply instinctive reaction to a crying baby including the 'let down' reflects experienced by breastfeeding mothers. The hormonal changes similarly effect the partners via pheromones which is why parents feel that urge to pick up a crying baby. If you ever watch someone handling a baby you will notice instinctive reactions such as rocking, "shhhing" and skin to skin contact. All instinctive reactions to caring for offspring. Yet we are encouraged to deny these instincts and teach our children to be independent and "self settle"?
Robin Grille in his book "Heart to Heart Parenting" quotes a statement from the Australian Association of Infant Mental Health which say "AAIMHI is concerned that the widely practised technique of controlled crying is not consistent with what infants need for their optimal emotional and psychological health, and may have unintended emotional consequences". He goes on to state that when babies subjected to controlled crying do eventually fall asleep it is not the blissful slumber parents imagine, it is more of a numbing or shutting down reaction that can lead to a permanent change in the child's ability to deal with stress and relationships in later life. You won't find that in the parenting manuals!
Babies are not meant to be alone. They are not mentally able to understand when a parent leaves, that they will return; so when a parent turns and closes that door - they are gone forever as far as baby is concerned. Babies who experience controlled crying or controlled comforting are exposed to increased levels of stress hormones and can even experience infant depression. Perhaps when psychologists examine the increase rates of depression in adult they should investigate a correlation between numbers of infants exposed to controlled crying and depression and inappropriate stress reactions in adults??
Controlled crying or scheduled settling techniques can also have an impact on breastfeeding and weight gain as it decreases contact and encourages extended periods between feeds which decreases breastfeeding supply and also means babies have less access to nutrition. Science tells us that babies are physiologically designed to feed every few hours which should give the called "experts" the heads up on what instinctive parents already know. Babies wake up frequently because they need to. But most importantly we need to recognise that their is more to living then whether or not a person receives the recommended daily intake of nutrients. Anyone who has a basic knowledge of human psychology will recognise Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs which recognises that above physiological needs are emotional needs. It also recognises that without the emotional needs being met a person cannot reach the highest order of personal security and self-esteem.
What can't be forgotten however is the fact that across the modern world thousand of parents are struggling with sleep and night-time parenting. While it is OK for me to stand here and shout the praises of gentle sleeping I have also felt that frustration of the child that has woken for the 12th time that night, when your eyeballs are hanging out of your head and your so tired that you fell asleep fully clothed. So what is the alternative?
Firstly we have a barrage of social 'hangups' that we need to put aside - like all the other helpful parenting advice or grandma who suggested you pee over draino to see if you were carrying a boy or a girl. Learn about the mechanics of sleep and attachment and why your baby is waking. If baby will only nap with you - get a sling. If cosleeping works for your family then try it. Breaastfeed to sleep if you can - nature made breastmilk just for that purpose! You are not making a rod for your back, you are gently raising a human being
Secondly accept that you are parenting a child; and your baby has only been on this planet for a very very short time. They have the rest of their lives to develop independence and resilience and they will do this so much better when they know their parents will always be there to love them unconditionally.
Thirdly - look for alternatives. So many parents are stuck with controlled crying because no one else has any other suggestions. But they do exist! Gentle sleep techniques that really work - for more details you can check out our list here. But remember when all else fails - it is only a moment in time, this too will pass so snuggle up and get the sleep where and when you can. Your child is not manipulating you and to my knowledge there aren't any 8 year olds that still need to be rocked to sleep or cuddled in a sling.
http://naturalparent.com.au/category_47/Gentle-sleeping.htm
