Communication and Relationships

A Dad’s silence can be deafening
Readers be advised - this article contains Christian content

Allow me to start off by saying that I love my father. In all that I have done, in all that I do, and in all that I plan to do, my desire has been, and is to always honour him. It’s been 5 years now since he passed away, and yet even today there is still a deep longing in my heart to really know him.

My Dad faced a number of demons in his far too short life of just under 54 years. Firstly, at the tender age of 6 years, he lost his sister to a hit & run motor vehicle accident. He always blamed himself for her death, and no-one other than I, ever told him differently. His own father was the town drunk, and my Dad hated him for it. My Dad very early on vowed to work hard to be the best at what he did, and he achieved just that. It was there he felt his strongest… on a construction site… and so that’s where he spent most of his time. When he was home, he drank to numb the pain of his past. In the end his liver ceased to function, he slipped into a coma, and died.

I never really knew my Dad, but I do believe he did the very best he could with what he had. Even his best intentions though were not nearly enough. I needed to hear from him that he loved me, and that he was proud of me. Whilst I knew in my mind that he was proud of me, he never ever verbalised it. And whilst I knew in my mind that he loved me, it was only 3 weeks before his death that he told me so, and not without some significant coaching from me first, might I add. After his passing, I was charged with the responsibility of being the executor of his estate. Even as I was sorting through all of his personal and business paperwork and belongings etc., I was secretly hoping to stumble across an envelope with my name on it… desperately hoping to hear something more from my Dad. I found no such note. In fact the most personal belonging I have of his is his old reading glasses.

My story and my relationship with my father are not so different to that of many other men and women around the world. So why is it that I say “a Dad’s silence can be deafening”? I’m sure you’ve heard the phrase “as wise as Solomon”. Well the “Solomon” referred to in this phrase is actually King Solomon, dating back to over 900 B.C. Much of his wisdom is available to us today in what we know as the book of Proverbs, and one of those ancient proverbs says this… “the glory of children are their fathers”. Another word for “glory” here is “weight”, and my question to all of the Dads reading this article is this… “What kind of weight are you for your child?” Are you a weight that anchors your kids when the storms of life begin to blow, or are you the kind of weight that is actually sinking them? Another one of Solomon’s proverbs says this, “The tongue has the power of life and death”. Do you see the kind of influence that we as Dads have on the lives of our children?

So yes, the phrase “Silence is golden” sometimes applies, however in most cases, our silence, our passivity, and our apathy as fathers is actually unknowingly critically wounding our children. Our words, and more often than not, the lack thereof, have the power to bestow LIFE upon our children. Be sure to tell them that you love them, be sure to tell them that you’re proud of them, be sure to notice them and the specific things they do well, and then be sure to affirm them in those things. Perhaps you do all of those things already. Try doing it publicly during a special birthday celebration, or rite-of-passage ceremony. You’ll be glad you did, and you’ll be modelling intentional life-giving fathering to others in the process.

Yours for offering LIFE to our children,

written by Darren Lewis, Fathering Adventures.

Darren has been married to his beautiful wife Melissa for 18 years, and is father to his four courageous sons, ranging in age from 15 years to 6 years. Darren has not given up on his desire to live life to the full.