Sleep. It's such a strange thing. As children we resist it, wanting to stay up past our bedtime. As teenagers we resist getting up from it in the morning. As young adults we pretend we don't need it and subject our bodies to hours without sleep either for pleasure or pursuits. And then we become parents and sleep has never seemed so important. It seems to dominate every waking hour. If you trying to get some sleep or trying to get someone else to get some sleep then everyone wants to talk to you about sleep - "How much did you get? When did they sleep through? Swaddle or don't swaddle... Cosleep?"
And with all the questioning and probing comes the self doubt and the secret actions. You know the ones where you tell the old lady in the dairy aisle that bub has slept through since they were six weeks old or you tell your mother-in-law that your son does not spend every nap time asleep in your arms. Why do we as perfectly rational intelligent parents feel the need to pass on perpetuate these sleeping myths and continue to berate ourselves over sleep?
Firstly let me take an aside and admit that yes there are some babies out there who come out of the womb and instictively know when it's time to rest and snuggle off without a whimper or struggle for hours on end but if you speak to enough mums who answer truthfully they will tell you that the majority of babies are not like this, and that is OK.
Lets face it, we need to realise that these little people are very new to the ways of the world and this mysterious thing called sleep is also very new to them. So my first word of advice to you is to admit to yourself that yes for the next few years you are going to go without some sleep occassionaly and that is OK. And be honest about it so we can help new mothers feel better about their little Joe who wakes 6-7 times a night and is fed to sleep and little Joanna who spends each nap asleep in a sling.
Next thing is to look at how you and your children want to think about sleep. Sleep in my household has never been something anyone is lothe to do, my children skip happily off to bed each night and don't come out 5 times a night for water and questions. However it has been a long road to this point. My daughter, now nearly 3 has only just started sleeping through the night in her own bed.
When I first started looking at sleep and the common "sleep techniques" available to new mums I was deeply saddened. I didn't understand this pressure to make my child learn to sleep alone or independently at such a young age. If we look at a persons lifetime... is it really important that a baby 'learns' to sleep at age six months? After I started researching I found many psychologists and child researchers to back up my instincts to stay with my child. Elizabeth Pantly in her book, "The No Cry Sleep Solution" cites various authors that recommend against various 'cry it out' methods as it leads to babies feeling abandoned, causing lasting emotional distress and trauma (pg 6). In fact trying to teach your child to be independent may actually lead to him or her being more needy and requiring more comforting than gentle sleep techniques. Robine Grille, in her book "Heart to Heart Parenting" talks about the neuropsychology term 'defeat response' where babies seem to fall asleep contentedly when in fact they have shut down. On page 120 she talks about how this conditioning of the babies brain can lead to the child using resignation as a strategy to face future struggles in life and undermines his sense of trust, safety and ability to reach out to others in a healthy way.
I often like to look into history for the answers to parenting questions as I believe that humans, despite our current social tendencies to live in the modern world still retain instincts to parent our children hidden deep down that stem from our baisc needs as human beings. If you examine most ancient societies you will find that most infants and children are breastfed to sleep. They also share family beds or rooms. Children are responded to when they wake in the night, generally by being fed back to sleep in the family bed. Reassurance, compassion and comfort. Seperate beds only became commonplace practice in 17th and 18th century Europe and I think we can look statistically at the degradation of society since those time periods in relation to human society and relationships.
Gentle sleeping can emcompass any techniques that suit your family. You may choose a gentle bedtime routine with a relaxing bath, low activity, noise and lights, reading stories together before lying down together until your child falls asleep. You may feed your infant and toddler to sleep or you may cosleep. Whatever suits your lifestyle and results in a happy healthy family.
For more information on gentle sleeping techniques check out the resources below.
No Cry Sleep Solution
A great series of books written by Elizabeth Pantly but also a web based service.
www.pantley.com/elizabeth
Pinky Mckay
An amazing author and as well as lactation consultant and birth educator. Her website offers fantastic natural and gentle parenting and birthing technique
http://www.pinky-mychild.com
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